The List: Ten Guys My Girlfriend Wants to F*ck

Guys, here’s a sure fire way to tell if your relationship is in trouble (think of it as one of those Cosmo quizzes).

Question #1: Does your lover like Bones?

Question #2: Does your lover like Castle?

Answer key: If the answer to these questions is “yes,” your relationship is doomed. It’s just that simple.

People use media to fill what’s missing from their lives. Need a vacation? Check out the Amazing Race. Miss your friends? Watch a little Entourage.  Don’t see enough of those hilarious mall security guards? Buy Paul Blart: Mall Cop on Bluray for only $27.99!!!

And if your relationship is dull and lifeless? Voila, here’s Bones and Castle, television’s equivalents to reading a Harlequin romance novel or watching an old Meg Ryan movie.

Just as I live vicariously through David Duchovny in Californication, my girlfriend gets high every Monday and Thursday on the sweet, sweet sounds of people never quite doing it. Being a sexual chemistry junkie, she even threatened to boycott Lost after Juliet got in the way of television’s unrequited love benchmark, Kate and Sawyer, and calls How I Met Your Mother the best sitcom on TV (Barney and Robin anyone?).

If you’re unfamiliar with these shows, just know that Bones sold their whole season on the promise that Dr. Temperance Brennan and Detective Booth would “do it” by season’s end (the same cheap rating’s ploy that Jake and the Fatman used to employ) and that Castle, a slickly produced Bones-knockoff, ran this promo before its premiere:

“A successful writer who’s a little out-of control . . . A hard-core cop who’s a total control freak . . .You wouldn’t think they’d make a good team . . .You’d be surprised . . . This March, fiction leads to friction. Only on ABC.”

Yep, my relationship is clearly deader than Hulk Hogan’s, but in order to spice it up, I’m allowing my girlfriend to sleep with any 10 guys or girls (fingers crossed) of her choosing. What follows is my review of her list (in no particular order):

10. Alan Doyle (Great Big Sea) – I knew he’d be on here somewhere. After all, who could resist that Newfie accent and luxurious mane of hair? Actually, I’m guessing Doyle’s on the list because he’s a rich musician who’s somewhat attainable. Everyone knows you always put one possible hook-up on the list. Mine’s Anne Murray. C’mon Anne, you know you want it, you filthy little girl, you.

9. Taylor Kitsch (Friday Night Lights) – Wait, what is this, my list? Nope, in this case, we share the same taste in men. There is one difference though. I don’t have a pink dildo named “Tim Riggins.”  Mine’s blue.

8. Victor Newman (The Young and the Restless) – I’m not going to bother looking up his real name; that’s all you need to know right there. While he has to be at least 80, he’s definitely laid some serious pipe on Y&R over the years, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. My only stipulation is that if this somehow happens, I get to be there. Not to watch or anything, just so Victor Newman could somehow trick me into leaving the house in order to carry out his master plan of boning my girlfriend.

7. John Black (Days of our Lives) – That’s right, another soap star. Actually, this spot was reserved for Supernatural’s Jensen Ackles, but because he too starred in Days, I’m jumping at this rare opportunity to mention the man The Rock stole his famous eyebrow raise from. Plus, is Jensen Ackles a two-time winner of Soap Opera Digest’s “Hottest Male Star” award? No? That’s what I thought!

Check out the first 2 minutes of this amazing Drake Hogestyn in this clip. You won’t be disappointed.

6. Harold (Top Chef, Season 1) – I don’t know who this is. You don’t know who this is. And quite frankly, if she was going to go with a chef, what’s wrong with the great Gordon Ramsey?

Girlfriend: “How about we take this in the bedroom?”

Ramsey: “Are you going to wear that?”

GF: “Well, not for long.”

Ramsey: “You cow. What the [beep] are you thinking? You just made me throw up in my [beeping] mouth.”

GF: “Hey, I just bought this.”

Ramsey: “Oh, bollocks! Your attitude stinks worse than your bloody breath.”

GF: “Okay, maybe this was a mistake.”

As an aside, my lady friend has always been a sucker for good cooks. The guys I shared a house with in university told me they always knew when she was coming over because I’d be cooking up some fried rice. Evidently, this always resulted in me getting laid. So, for all you lonely college guys out there, my famous fried rice recipe:

1 ½ Cups of Rice

1 Onion

100 grams Salami

3 Eggs

5 milligrams Rohypnol

5. Taylor Lautner (New Moon) – I’ll let her take this one:

“If Steve can keep his eyes on jail bait, so can I. Best known as Jacob in the Twilight series, he’s now a big star due to his starring role in New Moon.  Sure, he may be in his teens, but when I saw his martial arts fighting scene in the now cancelled My Own Worst Enemy – I saw some real talent. Not sure how he pulls off being cast as Christian Slater’s son AND a Native American in Twilight! Maybe tone down a bit on the teeth whitening in the next movie.  But whatever Taylor Lautner’s selling, I’m buying.”

Because this kid probably doesn’t even have his license yet, I don’t mind giving him a little helpful advice:

“She’s getting up there, so if she’s cold, let her warm up for a couple minutes. And be sure to never, never go above 60 thrusts per minute. She’ll overheat and trust me, you don’t want to go under the hood.”

4. Barack Obama (Hanging with Mr. Cooper) – The only real no-brainer on the list is also the only visible minority on the list. I’ll pick up the slack by revealing that my top ten consists of Mariah Carey, Ciara, Beyoncé, an unbruised Rihanna, and all the ladies from Nelly’s “Batter Up” video.

Now an exclusive excerpt from my girlfriend’s dream meeting with the president:

“Can we do it again?”

“YES WE CAN!”

3. David Boreanaz (Bones) – Not sure why Boreanaz gets the nod over Castle star Nathan Fillion, but my guess is it’s because he also starred in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, moistening the pelvic regions of young girls across the nation with perhaps the greatest unrequited love story ever created.

Get this: In Buffy, Sarah Michelle Gellar could never be with Angel (Boreanaz) because if they had sex, Angel would experience a moment of true happiness that, due to a gypsy curse, would cause him to lose his soul and revert back to his original vampiric state (this actually happened in Season 2). What a show!!! Young girls didn’t stand a chance.

2. Joshua Jackson (Fringe) – Because all I came up with for Jackson were some lame James Van Der Beek jokes, I decided to instead focus on how surprising it is that Justin Timberlake is not on this list. Not only has JT brought sexy back, he’s the first former or current member of a boy band to ever earn the respect and admiration of the male population. Combine Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz and Britney Spears (bonus virgin points) with solid SNL hosting stints that showcase his comedic chops and an almost down-to-earth likeability, and you get a male pop star with credibility. Now if I could just find a unicorn, Big Foot, or someone who’s actually excited about Jay Leno’s move to the 10 p.m, slot…

1. Jason Statham (The Transporter, Crank) – While I imagine this beefcake is on a lot of ladies’ lists, I’m willing to bet bald men fantasize about him more. Who among the bald population wouldn’t kill for Statham’s immaculate dome? Even Bruce Willis would have to think about trying it on for size, right? Anyway, just as Jews loved watching other Jews kick ass in Munich (as described by Seth Rogen in Knocked Up), bald men rush to theatres to see their folliclely-challenged brother in one strangely enjoyable, bad action movie after another.

Honourable mentions

Steven Seagal

Ed “The Wrench” Werenich

Jack “The Stache” Layton

Jimmy Snuka

Larry from Perfect Strangers

So, what did we learn? Well, while my bet’s “absolutely nothing,” perhaps you’ve gained valuable insight on your lover and what’s missing from his or her life. For instance, I know my girlfriend dreams of Victor Newman’s old man balls bouncing off her chin because he could provide a life for her that I never could. Instead of paying two-thirds the rent on a one-bedroom apartment, suddenly she’s vacationing in a Spanish villa. Rather than coming home from work to a meal of chicken nuggets and a pack of Lipton Sidekicks, Top Chef’s Harold is whipping up duck breast with smoked potatoes, glazed baby turnips and leek crisps with buttered winter greens. And in the case of Jason Statham, she’d no longer be dating a pantywaist.

People see themselves in the TV and film characters they like, and even ones they hate. These fictional characters make real connections. They remind you of who you are and what you believe in. But more importantly for my argument, they remind you of what you like and what you’re attracted to.

Therefore, you must find out who your lover likes. Have them make a list, even promise not to publish it if that helps, then become more like that TV or film character. Screw being yourself. Being yourself is why the divorce rate in this country is over 50 per cent.  People don’t want the real you. They want the real Tim Riggins. They want the real Joan Holloway. Hell, they just want someone more interesting and beautiful than you.

That’s why I’ve already perfected the John Black eyebrow raise. Hey, it’s not much, but it’s a start.