THE STEVE STARR REPORT

Wow, already the 4th issue of The Steve Starr Report. We all know that time flies when you’re having fun, but if The Steve Starr Report proves anything, it’s that time also really flies when you’re a jobless blogger without career prospects. Enjoy the lovely shot of Avatar’s Zoe Saldana and remember to please put on your 3-D glasses before reading the jokes below. While they’ll still suck, the glasses will help with the insufferable length.

Following the Saints 31-17 victory over the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, football analysts credited Drew Brees for imposing his will and pounding through the defence. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s what they were saying about Michael Irvin.

While figures have yet to be announced, sports books estimate that more than $100 million was placed on this year’s Super Bowl. Or about $20 million if you discount Janet Gretzky bets.

As expected, Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith were among seven players elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame on Saturday. While football fans could hardly blame the legends for breaking down into tears, they still blamed ‘em for doing that gay dance show.

Police and volunteer groups in Miami said there was a sharp spike in prostitution during Super Bowl weekend. “Go Vikings…ugh Saints, whatever,” said Charlie Sheen when spotted outside the stadium.

Rex Ryan was fined $50,000 by the Jets last Tuesday for giving a fan the finger at an MMA event in Miami. While the fine seems stiff, the last football guy to give someone the finger actually lost his job with the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Ex-Leaf Vesa Toskala took a parting at his old team on Monday. Unfortunately, as often is the case with Toskala, the shot ricocheted and ended up his own net.

Bob Gainey stepped down as Habs GM on Monday. I’m not saying Carey Price is to blame, but immediately following the announcement he was spotted high-fiving Nancy Kerrigan’s brother.

Ducks centre Ryan Getzlaf sprained his ankle in the 2nd period of Anaheim’s game against the Kings on Monday. Team doctors are saying it’s the most severe sprain suffered by an Olympian since the famed Mark Tewksbury ankle-grabbing incident of 1992.

On Thursday, the financially strapped owner of the Dallas Stars, Tom Hicks, said he’s exploring a possible sale of his NHL team. In response, commissioner Gary Bettman said, “Don’t even think about it Ballsillie.”

In an interview with Sports Illustrated, Stephen Harper said he’d rather play in the NHL than be prime minister. When asked why, Harper responded, “Have you seen Elisha Cuthbert?”

The Hockey Hall of Fame is inviting well-wishers to touch the “Lucky Loonie” that was buried under the ice before the men’s and women’s hockey teams won gold at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. According to early estimates, the loonie will be touched more than Theo Fleury.

Atlanta shipped star player Ilya Kovalchuk to the Devils on Thursday for defenceman Johnny Oduya, forward Niclas Bergfors, prospect Patrice Cormier and a 1st RD pick. When discussing the ridiculously uneven trade, Thrashers GM Don Waddell said, “Beat that Sutter!”

The New York Islanders announced plans to hold training camp in China next season. Chinese hockey fans are said to be very excited for the chance to see John Tavares and the one they call “Zhang choo ti son,” or in English, “Dumb ass owner who gives out ridiculously long contracts.”

Newfoundland premier Danny Williams has come under fire for undergoing heart surgery in the U.S. The last Newfoundlander with heart problems to head to the United States was none other than Bruins forward Michael Ryder.

The ball Alex Rodriguez hit for his 500th home run sold at auction for $103,579. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, that’s the most money a ball’s fetched since John Kruk put his on eBay.

Kevin Gregg has signed a one-year, $2.75M contract to save games for the Blue Jays. Baseball insiders are predicting that even Tiger Woods will have more opportunities to close next year.

Team Canada’s Jennifer Jones won her third straight Scotties Tournament of Hearts title Sunday. Of the remarkable accomplishment, Canadian males said, “She’s the hot one, right?”

And finally, the Olympic torch was in Port Hardy, BC on Wednesday for a ceremonial First Nations blessing. Then, on Thursday, the torch was found snuffed out in a snow bank.

Yikes, aside from the weekly “Eric Tillman’s a molester” and “Theo Fleury’s a molestee” jokes, I managed to squeeze in a nut cancer gag and one terribly racist offering about Native Americans that I already regret. Please feel free to come back next week to see if I can possibly stoop any lower.

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