True identity of Tiger Woods’ mom revealed

For the past few months many of us have wondered how Tiger Woods was able to lead such a secretive life. On Friday, it appears we got our answer.

Citing leaked CIA documents, the Washington Post has confirmed that Tiger Wood’s mother, Kultilda, is none other than North Korean dictator Kim-Jong il.

While the report shows that many inside the CIA have known of Kultilda’s true identity for years, the news comes as a surprise to CBS golf commentator Jim Nantz.

“Hello friends. As I’m sure many of you were, I was completely floored by the news,” said Nantz. “While they’re both clearly Asian, I don’t see any other similarities between the two.”

CIA analyst Richard Trombone disagreed, saying there’s clear links proving Mrs. Woods is in fact Kim-Jong il.

“Not only does the North Korean dictator look like Kultilda, Tiger has proven that members of his family can successfully lead double lives,” said Trombone before opening a confidential folder the size of a phone book.

“Also, under Kim-Jong il, North Korea has been one of the world’s most secretive societies, completely shielded from the media.”

“Sound familiar?”

“Tiger not only lived a secret life before news of his affairs came out, he’s living a secret life now,” continued Trombone. “Nobody knows where the guy is for sure, or if or when he’s even coming back. The media has been completely shut out.”

For his part, US president Barack Obama has acted quickly on the issue, negotiating with Kultilda/Kim-Jong to put an end to both his/her controversial “nuclear weapons” program and his/her controversial “baking John Daly homemade bean dip” program.

But no matter how strong the evidence, Nantz isn’t buying it. “I don’t know, this still seems like a bit of a stretch to me,” he said.