Ranting about the “We are the World” remake just feels good

As a guy with a website, it’s pretty obvious that I like telling people my opinions on shit whether they care or not. In fact, other than maybe reality TV stars, is anyone more starved for attention than a blogger? Oh, right, everyone on Facebook and Twitter.

That’s okay though, we all like to be heard. In fact, we need to be. There’s just so much crap out there, we have to rant to somebody or we’ll go crazier than Farrah Fawcett (she might have died of anal cancer, but she was still one crazy bitch).

Which is why I loved getting this email from a close friend of my lady friend. We don’t chat much, so when it popped up in my inbox, I figured it had to be important. Turns out she just had to get something off her chest (other than her nursing baby Waverley). And boy, did she ever. Here’s Erin’s rant on the new We are the World video:

“Waverley and I are ‘enjoying’ the new We are the World. Are you going to write about this? It’s comical.

First of all, almost everyone that was in the first version is still alive and sounds better than almost everyone in the new version. I think the only dead person is Ray Charles and rather than have anyone from the original sing in the new one they had Jamie Foxx do an impression of the Ray Charles solo.

Second, if you need to autotune to sound good you don’t deserve to have a solo – Lil Wayne, T Pain. They might as well have had Andy Samberg produce an SNL digital short. How can they have people that need autotune to sing in the same song as Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion and Josh Groban and Jennifer Hudson who I don’t particularly like but can sing.

Third, just because Tony Bennett has managed to stay alive, doesn’t mean he can still sing. In the same vein, just because Wyclef Jean is from Haiti doesn’t mean he can sing.

Fourth (or fifth), I know that tweens are very popular but solos for Miley Cyrus and the Jonas brothers and the opening line for Justin Bieber, which is nice because he is an Ontario boy but he’s been famous for about 15 minutes. And the rap verse sucked. LL Cool J seemed to be the leader. Maybe they should have picked someone who is still actually rapping rather than starring on yet another procedural crime drama for dumb Americans. Although I did look up LL Cool J on Wikipedia just now and he apparently released a song about NCIS called “No Crew is Superior”. So lame. Anyway, the original will always be superior if for no other reason than it features Huey Lewis.

How could they release this after the Everybody Hurts video that played during the Super Bowl? Which validated Simon Cowell and actually made me cry.

Anyway, I had to rant to someone who might care or something.”

A day later this email came:

Jay Z agrees with me

http://perezhilton.com/2010-02-15-jay-z-thinks-original-we-are-the-world-is-untouchable

My thoughts: Whether you agree or not, you gotta love the passion.

You might be thinking, “Does this mean he’s going to start posting emails I send him?” The answer: If it’s funny and/or relevant, probably. After all, you have to read enough of my shit, it’s only fair. Plus, we’re a family here at The Steve Network, I consider each and everyone of you one of my Mormon wives.

That said, here’s a couple extra things I noticed about that We are the World abortion:

1. I know he’s a Canadian and only 16, but that Justin Bieber kid is a sissy.

2. Janet Jackson lip-synching beside her dead brother gets me everytime.

3. Can we be surprised when anything directed by Paul Haggis sucks?

4. When is Jamie Foxx going to stop living off his role in Ray ? (The answer: never.) It’s been six years since that film came out and the man still thinks he’s Ray Charles.

5. Similarly, why is Jeff Bridges in this thing? Sure he’s incredibly convincing as country musician Bad Blake in Crazy Heart, but Lionel Ritchie and Quincy Jones do know that’s a movie, right? Either way, I’m not blaming ‘The Dude’ for this one. Bridges is such an easy-going guy that he probably just said yes, so he could get stoned and listen to everyone sing.

6. Everytime I see Lionel Ritchie I’m surprised at just how black he is. It’s not like he’s Wesley Snipes, but to have Nicole Ritchie as your daughter? I’m no genealogist, but unless her mother is some kind of albino, I’m not sure I get it. [UPDATED LATER: I'm an idiot. Adoption is the clear answer here. Next thing I'll be wondering why Angelina Jolie's kids look Asian.]

7. Celine Dion says no to the opening ceremonies at the Olympics, but yes to this turd? At least Lionel enjoyed watching her sing, I guess.

8. In addition to Huey Lewis, the original has Willie Nelson, Bruce Springsteen and Kenny Rogers’ original face. Case closed.