Sharks lose Nabokov for season

As expected, Russian goalie Evgeni Nabokov has been sent to a Siberian prison after allowing six goals on just 23 shots in a lopsided 7-3 loss to the Canada on Wednesday. The move, which is expected to seriously hurt the Sharks playoff chances, was announced by a spokesman for Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin.

“The Prime Minister already released a statement threatening repercussions for poor performance at these Games and this was one helluva poor performance,” said the Russian spokesman.

Nabokov is the first man to be sentenced to Chita Oblast, a prison camp near the Chinese border, some 5,000 kilometers from Moscow, since billionaire oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovskii in 2005. While Putin banished Khodorkovskii to crush a charismatic political opponent and regain control of Russia’s strategic oil resources, the 34-year-old Sharks netminder is thought to be the first Russian athlete sent to Siberia; although rumours persist Alexei Yashin and girlfriend Carol Alt have been there for years.

Lev Ponomarev, director of the All-Russian Movement For Human Rights, says while sending Nabokov to Siberia is in violation of Russian law, there will be no opposition from the Russian people.

“Let’s face it, this guy’s sucked for years,” said Ponomarev in surprisingly good English. “I know it’s my job to stop this kind of stuff from happening, but did you see that cheapie he gave up to Brenden Morrow in the final two minutes of the opening period? My god, the Russian people won’t stand for that.”

In related news, Russian coach Slava Bykov is in hospital after reportedly receiving the Yushchenko treatment; Viktor Yushchenko was, of course, the former Ukrainian president and political opponent of Putin who was left with severe facial scarring and skin discoloration after being poisoned while running for office in 2004.

Bykov’s dioxin poisoning is said to be in response to his decision not to pull Nabokov after the 1st period, although many suspect it was his stubborn refusal to make any line-up changes on the fly. Either way, Russia has denied any involvement in the incident.

“Anyone could have sent Bykov that poisoned letter,” laughed the prime minister’s spokesman. “Although to be safe, just remember, “Don’t fuck with Putin.” Got it?”

In other hockey news, Ken Hitchcock, head of scouting of opposition for Team Canada, declared the Olympic hockey tournament “now over.”

“Slovakia? Come on,” said Hitchcock after taste-testing the Slovakian delicacy of “Bryndzové halušky” (potato dumplings with sheep’s-milk cheese) over lunch. “They’re tasty dishes can’t even compete with Canada’s. They should just be happy with their win over the Swedish meatballs.”

After slurping his Mykyrokka (Finnish blood dumpling soup), Hitchcock continued, “And the Fins, too many old ingredients, they can’t match-up with Canada’s fresh tasting flavour.”

When asked if he was worried about the United States perhaps defeating Canada a second-time, Hitchcock mockingly waved the white napkin he had just wiped his third chin with.

“Sure they have a tasty line-up that’s prepared similarly to ours, but after already beating us they won’t be nearly as hungry as we are… or me anyway ,” said Hitchcock after disturbing patrons with a loud burp.

“I’m telling you, this tournament is in the fridge.”

[UPDATE: "Quit or be fired," says Russia's president. Read it here.]