Canada’s potato chip expert graciously shares his knowledge with the masses

BY AARON A.

I am a potato chip connoisseur. I guarantee I have tried more flavours than you. Every time I leave my house, I seek out new brands. I even explored the idea of having a nacho train at my wedding.

During the Super Bowl, snack holiday of the year, many chip mistakes were made around the continent. I could bear it no longer. I had to do something. I had to make a difference. So, with March Madness just around the corner, I’m sharing my chip wisdom with all of you.

You have my word that I do not take this task lightly. I have put in the research it takes. I am not shilling cheap and tolerable, I am selling quality.

Like the knowledge fathers give to their sons, and mothers share with their daughters, what I’m about to tell you must be passed on through the generations.

THE PARAMETERS

Add-ons

I will not be considering any non-chip companion food. Sure, things like salsa, sour cream, hot peppers, chicken and guacamole will make anything taste better, but chips need to be evaluated in their purest form. Even though tortilla chips with salsa is the single easiest crowd pleaser I know, without salsa, they are nothing. Same goes for other products. Ever tried a Corona without a lime? Kind of tastes like a poor man’s Lakeport, doesn’t it? Now, ever tried a Molson Canadian with a lime? Yep, a definite improvement.

Omissions

The only flavor of chips not considered for this list is “Sour Cream and Bacon.” Ever since the vomiting incident of ‘89, I can’t eat them. For the record though, I must point out that I have no problem with sour cream or bacon.

Hangers on

No posers. You may have seen the advertisements for Crispers (Are they chips? Are they crackers?).  Only morons believe they’re chips. They taste like (bad) crackers and they are in the cracker aisle. Another sham: baked chips. Honestly?  They’ll do in a pinch, but buyer beware, these are not real chips. They are about as close as tofu is to chicken. They are the Nickelback of the chip industry. I understand they are healthy. However, if I wanted healthy, I would eat an apple. Let’s move on.

Flash in the pans

I am always up for discussing a new flavor, just don’t try and sell me on the “best chips ever” label when they came out last week. In the summer of 1990, I thought that hot new Vanilla Ice track was pretty cool, but I needed time to reflect before putting “Ice Ice Baby” on my all-time list. I needed to see how the market would respond, if Ice’s brand new invention would still grab me three of four years later. (It did and still does.) That said, please don’t be too discouraged to show me any new clam, pizza, bacon, onion, jalapeno-type flavors you might find. They just can’t make this list for another few years.

FINAL CUTS

Many parallels can be made between certain musical acts and flavors of chips that won’t be appearing on my list.  Some in a good way, and some not so much.

Pringles (Backstreet Boys – Backstreet’s Back) – Once I pop, I can stop. No problem. They taste extremely manufactured and are packaged in a very marketable fashion. They have no use to me.

Cheese doodles/Cheesies (Phil Collins – Greatest Hits) – Everyone can respect them, but they are nobody’s favorite.

Hickory Sticks (Radiohead – Kid A) – You need to be in a certain mood to enjoy these. At points they seem messy and I am pretty sure I enjoyed them more when I was a kid (Pablo Honey, The Bends).

Tostitos Hint of Lime (Wilco – A Ghost is Born) – I think I am supposed to like them, all my friends do.  Plus, I like Tostitos and I like lime.  So what’s the problem?  Not sure, I can’t explain it, but I am just not a fan. I may need one of Lost’s writers to help unravel this uninteresting mystery.

Party Mix (Big Shiny Tunes – Vol. 27) – In theory it makes sense to put a mix like this together, but it just doesn’t work. Everything blends together into one generic product. Seriously, get those pretzels (new Edwin song) out of there.

Roast Chicken (Kid Rock – Cocky) – Make no mistake, they taste nothing like chicken, especially a roasted one, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be good. They are also a favorite of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys, and when has that savvy grade 8 graduate ever steered me wrong?

Well, I could spend the remainder of the article making chip comparisons to some of the best musical acts of the last 60 years, but I won’t because they’re obvious.  If you can’t see how Doritos are clearly linked to the Beatles, then I can’t help you.

MY TOP TEN CHIP FLAVOURS

10. Ruffles Sour Cream & Onion – I wanted to start this list with something traditional.  I don’t even like onion that much, but this blend of simulated onion flavour.….top notch snacking.

9. President’s Choice Buffalo Wings and Blue Cheese – By far the most accurate flavour on the market. These taste exactly like the label indicates. PC, I appreciate your honesty and your dedication.

8. Ketchup (all brands) – This one is unlike the others. I am not even convinced I like them. If someone has three or four options to choose from, I would advise against Ketchup almost every time. Yet, somehow, once they are open, I think they are great. They get me every time. You are a strange bird Ketchup chips, but it’s this individuality that makes me love you.

7.  Ruffles All-Dressed – What the hell does “All-Dressed” even mean? I suppose it’s a combination of all other flavours. Either way, they definitely fell ass backwards into this one. But, sometimes you have to be lucky to be good. Ruffles does it again.

6. Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar – Apparently these multigrain wonders are healthier than the average chip. All I know is they have the best simulated cheese on the market.

5. Doritos Nacho Cheese – The most versatile of all the chips. They are the LeBron James of the snacking world. They are great on their own, with salsa, crushed on a sandwich, used to make real nachos, sprinkled over cereal…….it’s all good. I know what you’re thinking, “Chips for breakfast, that’s disgusting!”  But that’s chip racism my friend and I won’t stand for it. Why can’t I throw a few Doritos beside my bacon and eggs? If this article has the effect on society I hope it will, we will all be able to eat chips whenever we want. I call it the Chips Without Borders program. You’ll see.

4.  Humpty Dumpty BBQ Ringolos – Ah yes, Ringolos are for the wild nights.  Crank the music, break out the tequila, crack open the bag. Ringolos will take you home.

3.  Miss Vicky’s Sweet Chili and Sour Cream – These Kettle chips are kind of like finding an Arby’s when you need a snack. It’s hard to believe they don’t break out like Starbucks with vendors on every busy corner, but no one seems to know they exist. Until now. You’re welcome Miss Vicky’s marketing department.

2. Lays Red Hot BBQ – I thought I was confused with “All Dressed,” but I am even more lost on this one. BBQ flavor, is that like licking the grill? They taste nothing like a steak, a hamburger, or a hot dog, not even the BBQ sauce itself, but then again, who cares?

* Please note, mesquite BBQ is terrible. Hence, Lays (regular) BBQ is terrible. I mean, absolutely brutal. If you can’t get the Red Hot variety, move on to another from this list and thank me later.

1. Doritos Cool Ranch – Oh, sweet Cool Ranch. You have been with me through the good times and the bad. I was just a boy when Doritos broke out this new flavor and changed the world. The company has spent the past 15 to 20 years trying to find a suitable #3. Cool Ranch chips are like your favorite pair of jeans, or a cold beer on a humid day. Let’s see crackers or cookies do that.

Happy snacking my friends.  For The Steve Network, I’m Aaron Alguire.

(Steve Starr would like to point out that the opinions held by Aaron Alguire are his and his alone. He’d also like to point out that he begged Mr. Alguire to put Doritos Sweet Chili Heat on the list, but in accordance to bylaw # 4 – no flash in the pans – they were excluded.)

---

Tags: featured