Canada’s chocolate bar expert graciously shares her knowledge with the masses

BY RITA MACNEIL

After seeing the tremendous response Aaron’s potato chip article garnered yesterday, I called up my old friend Steve Starr (he was one of the friends on my Gemini Award-winning CBC variety show Rita and Friends) and asked him if I could write a similar article on chocolate bars.

Always a sweetheart, Steve told me he couldn’t imagine anyone doing a better job with it.

Like Aaron, I take my snacking quite seriously, but unlike Aaron, you can absolutely trust what I’m about to tell you. After all, in 1992 I was made a member of The Order of Canada (Canada’s highest honour) to recognize my distinguished service to Canadians. I am not about to let you all down now. Let’s get started.

THE PARAMETERS

Add-Ons

Sure we all like to take a chocolate bar and dip it in peanut butter, butterscotch pudding, or icing sugar, but for the purposes of this article, I’ll only be evaluating chocolate bars in their purest form.

Omissions

Unlike that pantywaist Alguire, there will be no omissions. I, Rita MacNeil, have yet to meet a chocolate bar I couldn’t handle. And I’m 65-years-old! The Sour Cream and Bacon flavour made you barf? Boo-hoo, get back on the horse sally. Did I give up after suffering the physical and psychological trauma of cleft palate surgery? No. Did I give up after my husband left me to raise a child on my own? No.

So, I’m not about to give up on Big Turk after it caused me to shit myself on a Charlottetown, PEI stage back in ‘03. No way. No how. Everything is in play here.

Hangers on

These include any and all cereal and granola bars. If the box has any nutritional information on it, a chocolate bar isn’t inside. In fact, if the bars aren’t sold individually, they are not chocolate bars. Two personal assistants and three roadies learned this the hard way as I had no choice but to let them go after their mistakes left be starving on stage.

Flash in the pans

All new chocolate bars will be accepted. If Canadians never gave my first album a chance, where would I be now? I mean, the whole purpose of Born a Woman was just for clarification purposes, but people really took to it and I’ve been singing ever since. I’d be honoured to give any new chocolate bar its big break.

FINAL CUTS

Many parallels can be made between certain musical acts and chocolate bars that won’t be appearing on my list. Some in a good way, some not so much.

Oh Henry! (Jann Arden – Living Under June) - Oh Hungry? Oh Yeah!!! But not for this terrible Mr. Big impostor. Something just tastes (sounds) off. Too many nuts maybe? Anyway, there’s only room for one plus-sized chocolate bar on the market, if you what I mean.

Cookies & Cream (Blues Traveler – lead singer John Popper) - I had a brief love affair with both of them in the fall of 1993. Now, I’m left with only bad memories.

Kit Kat (my album Songs my Mother Loved) – After completing this 2006 album, I took Kit Kat’s advice and took a break. I haven’t released an album since. Kit Kat ruined my career.

Mars bar (Garth Brooks) - Mars bars are amazing. I’m leaving them out only to prove how discerning a chocolate bar connoisseur I am. And to remind you that I was the best selling country artist in Canada in 1990, even outselling Garth Brooks.

Cadbury Thins (any Anne Murray album) - I hate that skinny bitch.

MY TOP TEN CHOCOLATE BARS

10. Hershey Special Dark - For some reason, dark chocolate has always been drawn to women my size. It goes straight to the butt, but trust me, it’s worth it.

9. Caramilk - I’m sure many of you fondly recall the the mystery surrounding the Caramilk Secret. The question, “How do they get the soft flowing caramel into the Caramilk?” haunted me for years. So much so that I devoted my entire second album Part of the Mystery to it.

8. Cadbury Creme Egg - While not technically a chocolate bar, I owe this Easter treat a lot. I wrote my platinum single Thinking of You in late April of 1992, just days after they were pulled from the shelf. Learning my lesson, I now buy enough to last well through the summer.

7. Almond M&Ms - Many of you probably wonder how I’m still alive after all these years. Look no further than Almond M&M’s. When doctors tell you almonds help prevent heart disease, they’re not kidding.

6. Mint Aero - Green bubbly mint-flavour centre covered in milk chocolate. The perfect breakfast chocolate bar is also a great substitute for brushing your teeth.

5. Turtles 3-piece king pack - I remember when a friend first recommend Turtles to me. I wish she’d been more clear, all those sea turtles didn’t have to die that day.

4. Toblerone (anyone but the Fruit & Nut) - If you’re interested, my love for Toblerone is detailed in full in chapter 4 of my 1998 autobiography On a Personal Note.

3. Reese’s Pieces - While I love the peanut butter cups, I boycotted the product when they went from three to two cups a pack. Besides, Reese’s Pieces have always been better. Here are the lyrics of my biggest hit, “Flying On Your Own,” a crossover Top 40 hit in 1987 (and the one that skinny bitch Anne Murray covered just a year later):

You were never more together
You were never more apart
Once pieces of you were all that
You knew
You’re flying on your own

I still cry everytime I hear it on the radio.

2. Snickers - What can I say, Snickers really satisfies. My only regret is that the company decided to go with Betty White in their popular Super Bowl ad after I sent countless dudes flying.

1. Wunderbar – Everyone knows Wunderbar is the best chocolate bar on the market. Only problem is it’s hard to find. When convenience stores in my small hometown of Big Pond, Nova Scotia never carried it, I opened Rita’s Tea Room. While it was just meant to be a quiet place women could get together, drink tea and eat Wunderbars, it’s now one of Nova Scotia’s biggest tourist attractions. Mind you, that’s Nova Scotia were talking about.

Happy snacking my friends. For The Steve Network, I’m Rita MacNeil.

(Steve Starr would like to point out that the opinions held by Rita MacNeil are her’s and her’s alone. He’d also like to point out that he begged Miss MacNeil to put Big Turk on the list, but well, you know.)