STEVE STARR’S OSCAR PICKS

At some point today a coworker will inevitably come up to you and ask if you’d like to enter the office Oscar pool. In previous years, you probably either declined or lost badly. This isn’t because you don’t like movies — you love movies! — it’s because you and the Academy are about as compatible as Tyra Banks and her personal assistants.

You like comedies, they like dramas, you like Megan Fox, they like Meryl Streep, you like originality, they like Avatar. The disagreements are endless, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t win this thing. Unlike (real) sports, the Academy Awards are voted on. And unlike (fake) sports, the votes have already been cast.

So, while no one but PricewaterhouseCoopers, the accounting firm in charge of counting the ballots, knows the results, the 6000-plus members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences all know who they picked. And they always talk, telling countless websites and magazines like Entertainment Weekly their selections.

You, of course, don’t read these things. You also avoid talking to the office gay guy at all costs. This puts you at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to winning your office Oscar pool.

It’s important to understand that the people who usually win these pools don’t know more about cinema than you, they just Googled the likely victors. This is of particular importance when it comes to the smaller categories. They are the ones that win Oscar pools. No, correct that, they are the ones that are going to win you your Oscar pool.

Why? Because you’re reading a two-time defending champion, that’s why. As the only straight guy who’s actually willing to read up on the Academy Awards, I will now share my immense knowledge with all of you.

THE LOCKS

BEST DIRECTOR: KATHRYN BIGELOW (THE HURT LOCKER)

If you haven’t heard, Kathryn Bigelow is James Cameron’s ex-wife, so no matter who wins, we’re all winners here. This is going to take the phony “I’m so happy for you” clapping-loser shot to another level.

BEST ACTOR: JEFF BRIDGES (CRAZY HEART)

Not to say he doesn’t deserve it for Crazy Heart, but this is one of the rare times I don’t mind someone winning a make-up Oscar. That statue will really tie his living room together.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: CHRISTOPH WALTZ (INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS)

Waltz pulled a Daniel Day-Lewis with this one. Incredible performance.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: MO’NIQUE (PRECIOUS)

There’s almost always an upset in this category, but not this year. In Precious, Mo’Nique is one mean bitch. Thanks to her performance and the brick shithouse that is Gabrielle Sidibe, this was the first time a movie featuring black ladies didn’t give me a boner.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: JASON REITMAN AND SHELDON TURNER (UP IN THE AIR)

Considered the Oscar favourite at Christmas, this will now be the only category Up in the Air wins. Sorry Clooney.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: UP

Pixar wins every year. I don’t need to tell you that.

BEST SCORE: UP

Remember the sequence with the old man and the love of his life at the start of the movie? I guarantee every woman who watched that cried. The same ratio applies to men beating-off during Secretary.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: THE COVE

If you enjoyed the South Park episode where Japanese people terrorize aquariums and sea parks across the country, this is the dolphin-killing documentary that likely inspired it.

BEST ART DIRECTION: AVATAR

Considering much of its production design was computer created, Avatar winning this category makes absolutely no sense.

BEST EDITING: THE HURT LOCKER

How fantastic would it be if Avatar and its 162-minute runtime somehow took the award for Best Editing?

BEST SOUND EDITING: AVATAR

Great job sound editing. If you listen closely, you can still hear a faint ‘cha-ching’, ‘cha-ching’, ‘cha-ching’ from the distance.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: AVATAR

According to industry insiders, the blue colour James Cameron gave the Na’vi people is the exact same shade as Tim Tebow’s virgin balls.

MAKEUP: STAR TREK

What category does this action-packed summer blockbuster win? Makeup, of course.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN: THE YOUNG VICTORIA

Period pieces always win this category (ie. The Duchess last year, Elizabeth: The Golden Age the year before, Marie Antoinette the year before that, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby the year before that – sorry, just making sure you were still with me after that sentence on costume design).

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: “THE WEARY KIND (THEME FROM CRAZY HEART)”

Jeff Bridges didn’t get himself in that new “We are the World” video for nothing. The best part about this category is Randy Newman is nominated twice.

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THE VIRTUAL LOCKS

BEST PICTURE: THE HURT LOCKER

Both Avatar and Inglourious Basterds now have a chance to win Best Picture thanks to a recent lawsuit and the yearly Harvey Weinstein smear-campaign, but The Hurt Locker’s still your safest best.

BEST ACTRESS: SANDRA BULLOCK (THE BLIND SIDE)

Can you say Erin Brockovich, because once again Oscar-history is repeating itself. Let’s bring in Ben “Queer Bait” Mulroney for his thoughts:

Ben: Let’s just say Meryl Streep won’t be ‘blindsided’ when she loses.

Thanks Ben.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: THE HURT LOCKER

Unlike Art Direction, this is the category where all that CG finally bites Jimmy Cameron in the ass.

BEST SOUND MIXING: AVATAR

Usually I’d take this space to explain how Sound Editing is different than Sound Mixing, but I know nobody reading this gives a shit.

ANIMATED SHORT FILM: A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH

Four-time winner Nick Park is a safe bet for his new Wallace & Gromit Claymation ‘toon A Matter of Loaf and Death. (Possible spoiler: Logorama, a clever, profane send-up of corporate mascots and logos.)

I copied that blurb verbatim from Entertainment Weekly. I’m really fading here. Luckily, we’re almost done.

TOSS-UPS

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: QUENTIN TARANTINO (INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS)

You’re on your own with this one. While I think Tarantino will win considering all of his movies, with the exception of the Kill Bill flicks, are completely reliant on his quirky, uber-original dialogue, Mark Boal’s script for The Hurt Locker is actually slightly favoured. Betting with your heart instead of your head almost always gets you in trouble, but you gotta figure Harvey’s smear-campaign was good for something.

LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: KAVI

Sorry, all I can tell you is it’s a three-horse race between Kavi, Miracle Fish and The New Tenants. I’m going with Kavi, but on second thought, who’s not going to vote for something called Miracle Fish? Damn, I’m going to regret that one.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT: MUSIC BY PRUDENCE

Fuck, I really have no idea about this category either. The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant is probably the safe choice, but I’m a risk-taker baby, an Oscar-picking outlaw!!! Hide the children.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: THE WHITE RIBBON

While many forecasts have the Argentinian film El Secreto de Sus Ojos (The Secret in Their Eyes) winning in an upset, in his latest column, Roger Ebert says The White Ribbon “is almost certain to win.”

I only mention this, so I can seamlessly segway into showing you this video of Ebert using his new computerized voice on Oprah; the film critic lost his ability to speak almost four years ago.

It’s sad, creepy and awesome at the same time.

LET’S COUNT ‘EM UP

So, there you have it, all 24 categories. Say you win the 15 locks, four of the five virtual locks, and get lucky with two of the four toss-ups, that gives you 21 out of a possible 24 points.

Congratulations, you’re an Oscar pool champion.

Now that that’s settled, there’s just the part about telling your family you’re gay.