TV DETECTIVE DRAFT: Who we chose to solve our murders

You’ve been murdered. Gunned down, choked to death, maybe even stabbed a couple times. You’re dead. Which kind of sucks because you had a nice little run going on there.

The only brightside is that instead of living life to the fullest you were hard at work watching television. Cop shows, mainly. You’ve seen countless murders and a seemingly limitless array of criminals brought to justice. Most importantly, you’ve come to know the men and women hunting these killers. You understand how they work and how they get results.

It’s this knowledge that’s going to help Aaron, Sara and Steve (that’s me) rest easy in the afterlife. Even though we’ve been murdered (and in Aaron’s case, raped), we know our respective killers will be put behind bars. Why? Because, in an Internet first, we’ve carefully selected the TV characters that will help put them there, each drafting an all-star team of investigators.

The ground rules: Seven picks a piece, snake draft format, each person can only select one character from a particular show.

So, who drafted the best team? Which of your favourite TV cops didn’t make the list? Read on to find out.

AARON#1 – Vic Mackey (The Shield)

With the first overall pick, I select Vic Mackey. This man gets the job done, and has no issue breaking the law to do it. Vic stole from drug dealers, killed at least three people, beat suspects for answers worse than I have ever seen and blackmailed people almost daily. More importantly, he did it with style (i.e. having sex with his Internal Affairs investigator’s ex-wife, then telling him she tasted like sweet butter).  He found a way to do this while maintaining his guy’s guy reputation in the Barn and doing anything and everything to support his kids. I am sure Commish fans will have my back on this one. Sure Vic’s methods sometimes went too far, but they were always a means to an end, and if said end is solving my murder, then Vic Mackey is a welcome addition to the team.

STEVE #1 – Lester Freamon (The Wire)

You start with brawn, I’ll go with brains. Undervalued for most of his career, this hound dog detective loves making up for lost time. Whether setting up a wire to catch street thugs or following the money to corrupt politicians, Lester is always the first to break a case wide open. One second he’ll be making dollhouse furniture, the next he’ll be solving my murder. All the more power to him if he’s able to bed another black stripper in the process. Lester is not only real “Po-lice” – he’s my hero.

SARA #1 – Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars)

Yeah, that’s right. My first pick is a teenage girl (cue taunts from Aaron and Steve). Veronica Mars is a modern-day Nancy Drew with the smarts of a hard-boiled detective. She’s witty, tech savvy and above all, relentless. Her single-minded pursuit of her best friend’s killer was her sole purpose in Season One. It is because of this all-consuming attitude that I want her on the job of catching my killer. As she demonstrated time and time again, she’s infinitely more clever than the Neptune police department and in many cases, her own PI father. Plus, she does everything on her own in her own crafty way, no guy required. She’s MY hero.

SARA #2 – Ben Matlock (Matlock)

The grey suit. The silver hair. The charming polident smile. Yup… in addition to a teenage girl, I’m adding an old man to my team.
In the days before CSI-style flash and technology, Matlock figured everything out the old-fashioned way. He’s all class, all brains. Working through crime scenes to find the flaws in people’s stories, there was always that “ah ha!” moment when he managed to catch people in lies on the stand (his specialty). Back in the days before viewers became able to predict every possible outcome, watching Matlock solve a case was like reading a great mystery. And if I managed to somehow leave a cryptic clue at my murder scene (i.e. writing my killer’s name under the bed, upside down, in invisible ink, etc), he’d be the one to figure it out.

STEVE #2 – Jessica Fletcher (Murder She Wrote)

Ben Matlock? I guess Sara’s expecting the wrong person to be accused of her murder. Matlock would then defend this innocent man, with the help of a black guy and some middle-aged blonde babe if I remember correctly, while setting a trap for the real killer on the witness stand. Ah… I guess it could work.

No, if it’s a great murder mystery you want, look no further than Jessica Fletcher. Luckily enough for me, she’ll just so happen to be at a nearby book signing at the time of my death. I always found her close proximity to all these murders suspicious until I read her Wikipedia page. Apparently she wrote more than 40 books. 40 books!!! Suck on that Stephen King.

AARON #2 – Jack Bauer (24)

Something tells me that having a CTU agent that has the President on speed dial is a good idea. I also like how he shoots people in the leg when they won’t give him an answer. Jack means business. His specialty is saving the world, and by the world, I mean the US. Let’s not forget these facts. If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12. Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours. Jack Bauer can talk about Fight Club. He is what Willis was talking about. If Jack Bauer and MacGyver were locked in a room, Jack Bauer would make a bomb out of MacGyver.

AARON #3 – Andy Sipowicz (NYPD Blue)

Andy and I go way back. His hairy ass was some of the earliest nudity networks let me see. Sure this trailblazer was a drunken racist early on, but he found a way to make us forget about that. Fact of the matter is despite his faults he was an amazing detective. His character’s triumph inspired everyone around him, including the viewers. He was the best cop on the best show in the best city to be a cop.

Imagine being a suspect and seeing Mackey, Sipowicz and Bauer scrapping each other in the lobby just to get a crack at breaking you. Hope you went to the bathroom first. I am apparently drafting the Broad Street Bullies, but hell, this is my murder. My six loyal readers deserve justice!

STEVE #3 – Thomas Sullivan Magnum (Magnum P.I.)

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron (shaking head). Didn’t your mom ever teach you that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar? Your team’s going to be too busy measuring their dicks to ever get to solving your murder. Plus, if you’re going to take a guy with a moustache, doesn’t it automatically have to be Magnum P.I.?
The easy good looks, the Ferrarri, the short shorts, the dream lifestyle in Hawaii. Now this is a man who knows how to live. Best of all, thanks to all those cheesy ’80’s TV crossovers, he’s already worked with Jessica Fletcher. To solve a murder, you need a team effort, not just a bunch of testosterone fueled hot-heads playing by their own rules. Magnum P.I., now that’s a choice your mother would approve of.

SARA #3 – Aaron “Hotch” Hotchner (Criminal Minds)

Time to add the leader to my team. He’s serious, focused and wouldn’t crack Gil Grissom-like jokes over my dead body. Not my boy Hotch. By examining the details of the crime scene and trying to figure out why the killer picked me (or “victimology”, for you fellow criminal minds fans), FBI profiler Aaron Hotchner is the best bet for solving my case. Sure, maybe one or two more people would have to die to establish a geographical profile or find a common link. But in the end, this is a man who lost his own wife because of his integrity and commitment to catching the bad guy. I don’t care that you never smile, as long as you catch my killer!

SARA #4 – Melinda Gordon (The Ghost Whisperer)

For the record, I do not watch this show. Never have and never will. But since we’re limited to TV characters and Bruce Willis is out of the picture, Jennifer Love Hewitt is the only one around who can talk to dead people. Thus, making her the only investigator able to communicate with me in the afterlife.

JLH: “Who killed you, Sara?”
Sara: “It was Steve.”

Case closed.

STEVE #4 – Gil Grissom (CSI)

You know how we know “Hotch” wouldn’t say anything funny over your dead body? Because he was on Dharma & Greg, that’s why. Let’s just hope Jenna Elfman isn’t around to distract ‘ol blank face. While I no longer watch crappy crime procedurals, I did see Gil Grissom crack wise on the original CSI for a couple seasons. My personal favourite: Grissom walks into crime scene, camera pans over a dead midget, he says, “Looks like we have a little murder on our hands.” Who are you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh… Who are you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And you want to talk about commitment? Grissom’s so dedicated to his job that it took him six seasons to bed his co-worker Sara. I have a feeling this know-it-all forensic entomologist will close my file much faster.

AARON #4 – Sara Walker (Chuck)

For my next pick I will be turning away from testosterone (think I have that one covered). At first I thought it was Steve’s insightful regurgitation of “catch a fly with honey” that made me think about the ladies, but in reality it must’ve been Sara. First I thought about Kristen Bell. Then I thought about Jennifer Love Hewitt. Finally, I thought about me, Kristen Bell and Jennifer Love Hewitt……leading me to my next pick. This girl is smart, crafty and sexy, plus she knows Kung Fu. What if my killer happens to go to a gala and the team needs to send someone in undercover? I am not sending in Sipowicz. I present to you, Agent Sara Walker (from Chuck, you know, that show no one watches). With apologies to my wife, this one is for the fellas:

AARON #5 – Lennie Briscoe (Law & Order, the original one, not those piece of crap spinoffs)

For this pick, it’s all about the clearance rate. Did Lennie ever not get his guy in eleven-and-a-half seasons? He works quick too, unlike all those other crime procedural jokers who take an hour to solve a case. Lennie and his jobber partner had the suspect wrapped up and passed off to Jack McCoy (who, by the way, is the District Attorney I hope catches my case) in half an hour. Briscoe is no stranger to cheesy lines either, my favourite…….Lenny arrests some scumbag who is on the phone, grabs the receiver and says……”He’ll call you back in 25 to life”)

STEVE #5 – Lieutenant Columbo (Columbo)

Wow, good work Aaron. You just doubled Chuck’s audience. And as long as were picking DA’s, here’s my choice:

Warning, unlike that Agent Sara Walker video, this clip is too hot to be viewed at work:

That’s right, The Fatman will be prosecuting my murder. Right after Columbo solves it.

My killer will be lulled into a false sense of security by this seemingly absent-minded detective, then bam, Columbo will hit them with the “Just one more thing.” Works every time. Unlike all those perps he put away, don’t be fooled into underestimating him. Columbo is the best TV detective of all-time.

SARA #5 – Eric Delko (CSI: Miami)

I need a CSI on my team. Someone who can quickly and effectively process DNA, fibers and other trace evidence, with the prerequisite mood music playing in the background.
For this, I chose Eric Delko of CSI: Miami. Wikipedia describes him as the “fingerprint, tire and drug identification expert of the Miami-Dade Crime Lab, as well as their underwater recovery expert.” Very useful. Plus, I add a Spanish speaker to my roster. Most importantly, he is super hot (although, that really shouldn’t matter to me since it’s not like I’ll be around).

SARA #6 – Angel (Angel)

Time to add some very big brawn to my team. For this, I chose Angel. You may ask, why not choose David Boreanaz’s new character, FBI agent Seeley Booth on Bones? For one, Booth is completely useless without the smarts of forensic anthropologist Temperance Brennan. And more important, in the eponymous series Angel, Boreanaz plays a vampire. Not an evil vampire, but a vampire with a soul. He’s strong, fast, invincible… practically a super-hero. And before Steve gets all huffy that Angel isn’t an investigator, let me remind you that for five seasons he ran Angel Investigations, “helping the hopeless” in paranormal-infested L.A.

The main drawback is that Angel can only work when the sun goes down, but hey – that makes it a 24-hour investigation into my case. The main plus: Besides being able to effortlessly take all of Aaron’s sorry ass alpha-males, Angel is around 250 years old, which means he has knowledge and experience that only an immortal can bring to the table.

STEVE # 6 – Detective Andy Bellefleur (True Blood)

What a surprise, we let a woman into the draft and she picks a brooding vampire. I’m shocked. That said, I’m also somewhat of a hypocrite as I’m now taking Detective Andy Bellefleur from the vampire show True Blood. So what if he gets drunker than Jimmy McNulty, I like his instincts. When that orgy lady had everybody in Bon Temps balls deep, he was the only one who knew something wasn’t quite right. Bellefleur’s criminally misunderstood, disrespected by the locals, and much like myself, a born loser. If you think he was desperate to catch that pig, wait until he pursues my killer.

AARON #6 – Detective Joel Stevens (Boomtown)

I have no doubt this next pick has the right stuff. This cat has been hangin’ tough since 1986. Step by step I have built my investigative team. It’s time to get serious, no more games. Still nothing? From the only NBC show that people watched less than Chuck, and of New Kids On The Block fame, I select Detective Joel Stevens from Boomtown, played by none other than Donnie Wahlberg. Did I just blow your mind? Stevens is driven, compassionate and works well with alpha males.

AARON # 7 – Ed Lane (Flashpoint)

I seem to be on a quest to bring awareness to shows that no one watches, so why stop now? Plus, it’s about time for some Canadian content. I will say that the pickings were slim, unless I wanted to pick the Corner Gas cops or that clueless dude from Due South. My last choice is Ed Lane from Flashpoint, played by Kingston, Ontario native Hugh Dillon, who used to be the frontman for the Headstones, one of the most commercially successful Canadian bands of the 1990s. His hostage negotiation skills and experience working with the Strategic Response Unit will be useful after Lennie and Andy blow the case wide open, not to mention he is a son of a bitch to the core. There, it’s done, dream team complete. Who needs a CSI anyway? Some jobber geek in the lab can process the evidence.

STEVE #7 – Detective Holland “Dutch” Wagenbach (The Shield)

Aaron, you just broke Paul Gross’ heart. Shame on you. And since you stole Vic Mackey with your first pick, the man I introduced to you I might add, I’m going to have to go with another Shield vet… Dutchboy. While his partner Claudette is equally compelling and just as effective, I favour Mackey’s socially awkward nemesis. While Detective Holland “Dutch” Wagenbach can’t talk to women, he has no problem interrogating suspects, solving some of the most heinous crimes in television history. If my murderer is half as sick as the people Dutchboy brings to justice, I am screwed (literally).

SARA #7 – William “Bunk” Moreland (The Wire)

The last addition to my team is a cigar-smoking, street-wise Baltimore homicide detective named Bunk. Ok, he’s been known to get a little drunk when he’s off-duty (i.e. burning his clothes in a conquest’s bathroom to “hide the evidence” from his wife). But he didn’t go along with McNulty and Freamon’s little scheme in Season 5, and I value his integrity, tenacity and grit. Why don’t I let him explain it…

Bunk: “You know what, Jimmy? I’m going to go back to the beginning and work every one of them again, back to square one. And you know why? Because I’m a murder police. I work murders. I don’t fuck with make believe. I don’t jerk shit around. I catch a murder, and I work it.” Well said, Bunk. Well said.

For those of you who don’t have The Wire on DVD, here is an extra worth watching.

HERE’S A RECAP….

	TEAM AARON	TEAM STEVE	TEAM SARA
1	Vic Mackey (The Shield)	Lester Freamon (The Wire)	Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars)
2	Jack Bauer (24)	Jessica Fletcher (Murder She Wrote)	Ben Matlock (Matlock)
3	Andy Sipowicz (NYPD Blue)	Thomas Sullivan Magnum (Magnum P.I.)	Aaron Hotchner (Criminal Minds)
4	Sara Walker (Chuck)	Gil Grissom (CSI)	Melinda Gordon (The Ghost Whisperer)
5	Lennie Briscoe (Law & Order)	Lt. Columbo (Columbo)	Eric Delko (CSI: Miami)
6	Joel Stevens (Boomtown)	Andy Bellefleur (True Blood)	Angel (Angel)
7	Ed Lane (Flashpoint)	Holland “Dutch” Wagenbach (The Shield)	William “Bunk” Moreland (The Wire)

CLOSING ARGUMENTS:

TEAM AARON
So, I have pretty much drafted the 1992 NBA Dream Team. I am quite confident they will actually solve my murder before it even happens. Only two things concern me, firstly, I picked four bald (or balding) men. It scares me that I didn’t notice that happening or have any explanation for it. Secondly, unless we count my man Andy’s Polish background, I may be a closet racist. Yikes.

That said, it could be worse. Sara is putting her faith in a vampire, a teenager and a medium. That is one step away from witch doctors and scientologists.

Steve better hope him and I get killed together. Those misfits aren’t going to get it done, he would have been better off going with Shaggy, Scooby Doo and that strangely hot chick with the glasses. The silver lining is that while his killer is sipping margaritas in Mexico, at least he can take comfort in the fact that he picked with his heart and nabbed his man crush, Mr. Moustache himself.

Here’s my back-up team:
Charlie Epps (Numbers), Patrick Jane (The Mentalist), Penelope Garcia (Criminal Minds), Bobby Simone (NYPD Blue), James Doakes (Dexter), Frank Tripp (CSI: Miami) and Tony Almeida (24).

Here’s who would have made the cut if I had thought of a good joke:
Dog the Bounty Hunter, Francis “Ponch” Poncherello (CHIPS), Carl Winslow (Family Matters), Rosco P. Coltrane (Dukes of Hazard) and Mitch Buchannon (Baywatch).

TEAM SARA

I believe I’ve covered all the bases with my team. Everyone brings something unique to the table, unlike Aaron’s balding muscle or Steve’s has-been geriatrics. I have a strong leader (Hotch), a human lie detector (Matlock), a computer expert with spunk (Veronica Mars), a streetwise homicide detective (Bunk), a latino CSI (Delko), an immortal superhero and even a way to communicate with the dead (ingenious). Talk about a well-rounded, diverse and functional team.

Just for Aaron, my all-paranormal detective team:
In addition to Angel and The Ghost Whisperer: Dean Winchester (Supernatural), Olivia Dunham (Fringe), Mulder (The X-Files), Tru Davies (Tru Calling), Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer).

Other shout-outs:
Richard Castle (Castle), Remington Steele, Dr. Reid (Criminal Minds), Elliot Stabler and whatever character Ice T plays (Law & Order: SVU).

TEAM STEVE

What a well-rounded team, am I right? I’ve got Lester Freamon finding patterns and setting up wires. I have Grissom in the lab, Magnum on the streets, Dutch for interrogations, Andy chasing pigs, Columbo tricking suspects and Jessica Fletcher hawking books. I didn’t waste a pick unlike Aryan Alguire who apparently set his computer to auto-draft for his final two selections. After that third act, I’m officially changing his byline to M. Night Alguire. And Sara’s calling my team geriatric? She’s got a guy who’s more than 250 years old, although Matlock still gets the job done I guess (badumCHI).

Guys I now wish I picked: Steven Seagal (Lawman), Walker, Texas Ranger

All-cartoon team: Clancy Wiggum (The Simpsons), Penny (Inspector Gadget), Dudley Do-Right (The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show), Joe Swanson (Family Guy), Officer Barbrady (South Park), Park Ranger Smith (Yogi Bear).

Our biggest oversights: Sherlock Holmes, Dexter Morgan (Dexter), Leroy Jethro Gibbs (NCIS), Jimmy McNulty/Kima Greggs/Cedric Daniels (The Wire), Kojak, any member of The A-Team.

So, who do you think picked the best team? Rock the Vote and let us know:

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