Roethlisberger could be facing lengthy suspension

New reports suggest that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is considering suspending Ben Roethlisberger after the Steelers quarterback failed to make a good impression in their much-anticipated closed-door meeting on Monday.

According to ESPN’s Adam Schefter, Roethlisberger, who is currently under police investigation for an alleged sexual assault of a 20-year-old college student in a Georgia bar, showed up to the NFL’s headquarters in Manhattan reeking of alcohol. When the commissioner invited him into his office, Big Ben is said to have instructed his bodyguards to watch the door.

“That’s when it happened,” said a dishevelled Goodell. “Closed-door meeting, how could I be so stupid?”

New York City police have requested that Roethlisberger submit a DNA test following his third alleged sexual assault in less than two years, but high-powered attorney Ed Garland is expected to put a stop to that.

“Everyone knows Roger is a no good hussy,” said Garland. “Just another person trying to make a buck off a professional athlete.”

Goodell, who appeared noticeably sore in his Tuesday news conference, said he’s contemplating suspending the two-time Super Bowl champion for the season.

“I’m concerned Ben continues to put himself in this position,” said Goodell, “but I’m more concerned about all the positions he put me in.”

“We’d like to suspend him for detrimental conduct, but our policy is to wait until a player is convicted of a crime before making a judgment of our own. Unless he’s black, of course, then we just suspend him.”

The commissioner then shifted the conversation to other pressing league matters.

“So, how about those new overtime rules,” asked a heavily perspiring Goodell. “Pretty cool, right?”

(These “That was a fake story” disclaimers are becoming increasingly unnecessary, but better safe than sorry, I suppose.)