What the fuck happened to curling?

Shockwaves were sent throughout the Prairies on Thursday when it was announced that former world champion skip Randy Ferbey will join Brad Gushue’s Newfoundland rink.

No, seriously, they were. People in Saskatchewan probably flooded the streets or something.

While the majority of Canadians would never know it, curling is insanely popular in this country. Last month’s Labatt Brier (I know it’s been the Tim Hortons Brier for a few years now, but like old hockey arenas and baseball stadiums, I refuse to call it by any other name) set a new ratings record on CTV – 1.6 million viewers. But that’s not all. The women’s world curling championship almost swept the ratings a couple weeks ago, averaging well over 700,000 viewers.

That’s more than most non-playoff hockey games on TSN and about half as much as the CBC pulls in for Hockey Night in Canada. In comparison, the Toronto Raptors are lucky to draw 300,000.

If I analyzed the data further I have a feeling I could find a direct correlation between curling viewers and those who watch Corner Gas and the CFL, but still, make no mistake, curling is HUGE in Canada. That’s why, as a man born and raised in Northern Manitoba who moved to eastern Ontario many years ago, I will attempt to act as a conduit between Canada’s curling community and Canadians who don’t own a farm animal.

My curling knowledge is not vast, but it’s quite impressive for someone who hasn’t seen a full match in ten years. Growing up I remember my mother watching two things – curling and soap operas. Therefore, not only do I know who John Black, Marlena and Stefano (Days of our Lives) are, I can name guys like Jeff Stoughton and Wayne Middaugh. I can remember Colleen Jones before she became an annoying CBC personality. I even know the term “hog line” has nothing to do with fat women. And don’t get me started on my childhood hero Ed Werenich.

I know my stuff.

Or at least I thought I did. After reading the Ferbey-Gushue story, I was left with more questions than answers.

In the fourth paragraph of this Canadian Press article, the 50-year-old Ferbey had this to say about joining Brad Gushue’s rink :

“Playing with a great young team, prolonging my career on a top-level team, gets my juices going.”

Now, if you’ve ever seen Randy Ferbey, you know this is a guy who should never be allowed to say things like, “get my juices going.” Ughh. What an awful mental picture.

A couple paragraphs later…

“As far as Gushue is concerned, having Ferbey join his team would be like Bono asking to sing with your band, or Sidney Crosby wanting to play on your hockey team.

Basically, a no-brainer.”

Did you see that? Ferbey was just compared to world’s most famous rock star and the guy who delivered hockey gold to Canada at the Vancouver Olympics. Hmm… do CP journalists go unbylined to protect themselves from their friends’ ridicule?

To give you some more backstory, Ferbey is pretty much the only skip who doesn’t shoot last for his team. Simply put, the four-time Brier champ doesn’t have the ability to hit the big shots, but is a master strategist who can read the ice and call a great game. Perfect for Gushue, who’s a strong shot maker, but much like a rookie quarterback, struggles with the playbook. Gushue took-on veteran skip Russ Howard in the same capacity in 2006, a partnership that yielded Olympic gold for Canada at the Turin Games. However, in the four years since, the Newfoundlander hasn’t won anything of significance.

So, yeah, it’s a good fit. But it’s still a little strange. In the past, curlers didn’t just move provinces to become ringers on other teams. They all had day jobs to support themselves. Curling was just a side-gig.

Fast-forward a few short decades and Ferbey, who lives half a continent away in Edmonton, is jet-setting across the country to play in tournaments. While it’s still unknown if the rink will be allowed to represent Newfoundland-Labrador at the Brier, I’m sure they’ll skirt the rules somehow. After all, curling is big business.

Just read this quote from Richard Hart, the third on Glenn Howard’s Ontario rink:

“Randy’s a part of the old guard and he’s been playing the game for a long time and he is almost a throwback to the old days where guys used to stay up late and drink a lot of beer and what have you,” said Hart. “Brad is part of the younger movement where he travels with sports psychologists and a team of coaches.”

What?!! Brad Gushue travels with “sports psychologists and a team of coaches”?  Have you ever asked someone who has curled what the sport is like? Nine times out of ten they’ll tell you a story about heaving rocks drunk at some bonspiel at 3 a.m. in the morning. This is how curling maintains its ironic sense of cool in urban centres. Now you’re telling me some 29-year-old Newfie travels with an entourage? Does Randy Ferbey have an entourage?

Wait, does Kevin Martin have groupies? Is Kevin Martin literally plowing through the Prairies as we speak? What happened to this sport?

Apparently, it’s even hard to play now.

“I have to play this game one year at a time,” said Ferbey. “It’s not only physically draining it’s emotionally draining.”

Okay, that’s it. I think I’ve heard about enough.