This just in…Roethlisberger’s a jerk

So, I finally got to reading the Sports Illustrated article on Ben Roethlisberger, and I gotta say, I think he’s probably innocent of sexual assault, but who knows? The real takeaway from Jack McCallum’s piece seems to be that rapist or not, Big Ben is an asshole. If you haven’t read the story, here are a couple of my favourite parts:

1) The 20-year-old Georgia college student who accused Roethlisberger of rape was wearing a name tag that read DTF, short for Down to F—.

It really is a shame that this thing didn’t go to trial. In my imagined scenario, all the evidence would point to Roethlisberger being guilty. Ripped panties, semen stains, forcible entry, the works – an OJ-like slam dunk of a case. Then, with the young lady on the stand, Ben’s hot shot attorney asks, “But your name tag did say, “Down to F—” right?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Your honour, given the fact that saying “No” while declaring yourself “Down to F—” is at the very least sending a mixed signal, the defense asks that all charges be dropped immediately.”

The judge gives one of those “What are you gonna do” shrugs and begrudgingly grants the request.

2) A source close to Roethlisberger said that he never intended to have intercourse with the Georgia girl and described his intentions as “Clinton sex,” or fellatio.

I will now use “Clinton sex” at every opportunity. Not many comedy references last 15 years, but this one’s clearly still going strong. I’m not sure if women are with me on this one, but minus that whole impeachment thing, I almost feel the Lewinsky incident was good for Clinton’s career. I can’t stop smiling when I hear his name. Since Tiger Woods lacks Bubba’s undeniable charm, I doubt he’ll elicit a grin from me in 15 years, but that villainous goatee of his is a great start.

3) After Roethlisberger almost died in a motorcycle accident in 2005, he was quoted as saying, “If I ever ride again, it certainly will be with a helmet.”

A few months pass by and guess what? A reporter and cameraman for KDKA-TV, the CBS affiliate that broadcasts Steelers games, filmed a helmet-less Roethlisberger on a motorcycle. In the footage, which was never aired so KDKA could maintain its good relationship with the Steelers, Big Ben gives the news van the “Rex Ryan salute” and speeds away.

First off, the guy has balls. If a motorcycle accident put me in surgery for seven hours, my next vehicle would make the Popemobile look like a Toyota. But, nevermind the fact that he jumped on a bike again, that he did it without a helmet, and that he broke his word to everyone, my favourite part about this particular story is obviously the middle finger. How did he think that would help? “Uh-oh, I’m busted. What do I do, what do I do? I got it, I’ll give the camera, and basically the whole city of Pittsburgh, the finger and burn away like the Roadrunner.

4) Roethlisberger once had a Spanish waiter fired for pestering his young female acquaintance for an ID. The man had worked for the resort for 12 years and had seven kids.

I’m making the kids part up, but if this was a movie, the guy would definitely have kids. And Big Ben would probably end up stealing his wife.

5) The first girl who accused Roethlisberger of rape, hotel employee Andrea McNulty (no relation to Jimmy), was called to his room to fix his television, which, of course, wasn’t broken at all.

The old broken TV trick, eh? Who hasn’t used that one in order to brutally rape a hotel staff member. Well done old boy.

6) Think of number six as a palette cleanser. Not really a big deal, but Roethlisberger is apparently a cheapskate. He refuses to pay $5 cover charges at nightclubs, using the ever-popular “Do you know who I am line,” and has ran out on his pub tab on several occasions, at one point forcing a waitress to chase him down in the parking lot.

Hey, that sounds a lot like the broken TV trick. This guy’s good. 

7) Okay, this one’s incredible. According to some guy named Craig, a few weeks before allegedly raping the Georgia girl, Roethlisberger made lewd comments to a pregnant T.G.I. Friday’s waitress. One of those comments: “Did your boyfriend forget to pull out?”

Nice. It had to be T.G.I. Fridays, didn’t it?

Most people would go with, “When’s your due date,” or maybe a “Can I feel your stomach,” but “Did your boyfriend forget to pull out?” I hate to keep going back to this, but while Roethlisberger’s undeniably a despicable human being, he’d clearly make a great television or movie character. In fact, he’s pretty much Jason Patric from Your Friends and Neighbors (only not nearly as cool).

My guess is that he didn’t rape these women, he just treated them like shit. Made them feel worthless, silly and ashamed for having sex with him. Called them sluts, laughed when they asked to exchange numbers, and booked it immediately. He acted like a pig, and they wanted to make him pay.

Of course, I don’t know this for a fact. I’m just a guy who reads Sports Illustrated and likes Bill Clinton solely for his ability to get blowjobs.