NHL Realignment…. Nailed it.

While reports have the NHL realigning for the 2011-12 season, I have yet to read a plan that makes sense. Most articles have Detroit moving East and leaving its historic rivalry with the Blackhawks behind, others say there will off-balanced conferences (16 teams in the East, 14 in the West), and some preposterous write-ups even place the Penguins and Flyers in the same division as the Lightning and Hurricanes.

Well, I for one have had enough, and since no one can seem to piece this puzzle together, I decided to come out of blogging retirement and figure this thing out myself. How did I do it?… I looked at a damn map.

NORTH DIVISION
Minnesota
Winnipeg
Buffalo
Detroit
Chicago
Columbus
Toronto

Justification: Detroit and Chicago stay together, Toronto resumes its early 90s rivalry with the Wings, and Winnipeg and Minnesota get to battle it out over whose city is the most cold and unliveable.

One Regret: Maple Leafs and Senators are no longer in the same division, breaking up their once fierce – now limp – rivalry.

WEST DIVISION
Vancouver
SJ
Anaheim
LA
Colorado
Calgary
Edmonton
Phoenix

Justification: The Flames, Oilers and Canucks all stick together. No other scenario makes sense.

One Regret: Not sticking Vancouver in the South division and setting off yet another hellacious riot.

EAST DIVISION
Boston
Montreal
Ottawa
NYR
NYI
Phi
Pitt
NJ

Justification: Again, pretty self explanatory. The battle of Pennsylvania remains in tact, as does the cross-river rivalry between the Devils and Rangers (and if you must, New York and Charlie Wang’s boys from Long Island). The Bruins and Habs also have to stay together until Montreal police finish their three-year investigation into a legal hockey hit.

One Regret: Trading Mike Richards and signing Ilya Bryzgalov. Oh sorry, those are Paul Holmgren’s regrets.

SOUTH DIVISION
Carolina
Florida
Tampa bay
Nashville
Dallas
Washington
St. Louis

Justification: At first glance I admit this division looks like a shit sandwich (second and third glances as well), but it houses the NHL’s most marketable star, Alexander Ovechkin, one of the league’s premier goal scorers, Steven Stamkos, and Canada’s favourite executive, Steve Yzerman. I also foresee a nice Hoedown Rivalry being developed between Nashville and Dallas, and like the potential of the Florida Garbagemen once Dale Tallon adds other undesired, unloved pieces like Roberto Luongo, Sheldon Souray, Scott Gomez and the teen runaway he sees turning tricks under the bridge on his way to work.

One Regret: Perhaps the only team to get screwed in this whole plan is the Blues, but hey, that’s what happens when you haven’t won a playoff game since the lockout. It hurts to separate St. Louis from the Wings and Hawks, but a change of scenery might be for the best. Plus, unlike its bastard cousin, the GPS, a map doesn’t lie.

Wait a minute… Those of you following along at home may be thinking, “You just moved Toronto and Buffalo to the West and disguised it by renaming the conferences.”  While that’s partly true, you have to remember that under the proposed new plan NHL clubs will reportedly play home-and-home games against teams outside their division. With that set to gobble up over half the schedule, it’s likely that teams will play the balance of the schedule within their own divisions, thereby disarming the issue of travelling out West.

Conclusion: Geographically flawless.