Archive for the ‘Life’ Category
BY RITA MACNEIL
After seeing the tremendous response Aaron’s potato chip article garnered yesterday, I called up my old friend Steve Starr (he was one of the friends on my Gemini Award-winning CBC variety show Rita and Friends) and asked him if I could write a similar article on chocolate bars.
Always a sweetheart, Steve told me he couldn’t imagine anyone doing a better job with it.
Like Aaron, I take my snacking quite seriously, but unlike Aaron, you can absolutely trust what I’m about to tell you. After all, in 1992 I was made a member of The Order of Canada (Canada’s highest honour) to recognize my distinguished service to Canadians. I am not about to let you all down now. Let’s get started.
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BY AARON A.
I am a potato chip connoisseur. I guarantee I have tried more flavours than you. Every time I leave my house, I seek out new brands. I even explored the idea of having a nacho train at my wedding.
During the Super Bowl, snack holiday of the year, many chip mistakes were made around the continent. I could bear it no longer. I had to do something. I had to make a difference. So, with March Madness just around the corner, I’m sharing my chip wisdom with all of you.
You have my word that I do not take this task lightly. I have put in the research it takes. I am not shilling cheap and tolerable, I am selling quality.
Like the knowledge fathers give to their sons, and mothers share with their daughters, what I’m about to tell you must be passed on through the generations.
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On Saturday I published an article titled, “Mikael Tam: Brain dead or just French?” In the satirical news story, I poked fun at Tam’s heavy Quebecois accent and poor English speaking skills. Here’s a passage:
“In the clip below, Tam appears to be speaking very slowly and at one point actually uses the word “incredeebable,” but no definitive conclusions can be drawn so far, says Dr. Karen Johnston, a neurosurgeon and the director of the Sports Concussion Clinic at Toronto Rehab.
“While the boy certainly looks to have suffered major brain damage, the way he speaks may just be a result of living in Quebec,” says Johnston. “This might take several weeks to figure out.”
While I figured the story might get me in trouble with Francophones, I never thought twice about using the name of a real doctor in the piece. Big mistake. As you can see, Dr. Karen Johnston’s people were none too pleased about this:
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In Canada, cancer will cause more than 75,000 deaths in 2009. Each day, roughly 470 Canadians will be diagnosed with some form of the disease.
Yikes! This is why I remain certain that cancer will kill me. I’m a prime target. I eat a diet rich in fatty foods, I drink out of plastic water bottles, and unlike almost everyone who rides public transportation, I apply a thick coat of antiperspirant every morning.
And as far as early detection goes, I’m screwed. Everything was fine until last year when my family doctor left his practice, only to be replaced by a smoking hot babe. Now, instead of telling my doctor what’s wrong, so I can be properly diagnosed, I’m responding to her questions as if I was on eHarmony.com.
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Just like women remember their first kiss, men can recall, in vivid detail, their first brush (or shall I say “rub”) with pornography.
I was 12. I was horny. And I discovered the mother lode in my dad’s closet: magazines, videos, even Beta tapes.
Shortly after that, we got the Internet….
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Up until recently I despised people with poor taste. I’d ask them, “What shows do you like?” then snicker when they replied “Deal or No Deal.” I’d call them morons for watching the latest M. Night Shyamalan flick. And if Jay Leno cracked them up, I’d make a hand-job gesture behind their back. Yes, I judged these people.
That is until one day I noticed they were all much more successful than me.
My cousin, a guy who watches NCIS, became a doctor. The guy who liked Hitch now works for a pro hockey team. And the girl who kisses Law & Order SVU’s Christopher Meloni goodnight before slipping into bed with me is a television producer.
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Guys, here’s a sure fire way to tell if your relationship is in trouble (think of it as one of those Cosmo quizzes).
Question #1: Does your lover like Bones?
Question #2: Does your lover like Castle?
Answer key: If the answer to these questions is “yes,” your relationship is doomed. It’s just that simple.
People use media to fill what’s missing from their lives. Need a vacation? Check out the Amazing Race. Miss your friends? Watch a little Entourage. Don’t see enough of those hilarious mall security guards? Buy Paul Blart: Mall Cop on Bluray for only $27.99!!!
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Bored with the same old routine, my girlfriend and I recently decided to spice things up a bit and purchase some “equipment.” But just like the last time this happened, she’s having all the fun. I, for one, am not a fan of the Personal Video Recorder (PVR) and here’s why:
I watch more TV. Way more. You’d think skipping commercials and saving over 15 minutes for each hour-long program would mean less, but just like at a Chinese buffet, I can’t control myself. After stuffing my eyeballs with such delicacies as The Hills, My Super Sweet 16 and Gossip Girl, I’m left sweaty, bloated and way too proud of myself.
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People define themselves through pop culture.
If you love Pearl Jam, then you won’t hang with a Nickelback fan. If you enjoy independent films, then chances are you’re not heading out with the girls to check out Matthew McConaughey’s latest shirtless romp. And if you like Jay Leno, then well, you’re a moron, but that’s not why we’re here.
You see, while I like to think of myself as an athlete, if you review the evidence nothing’s further from the truth.
Steve Starr’s Athletic Portfolio
1985-2002 – Played sports (poorly).
2002-2008 – Watched sports (on TV).
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“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
From what I remember, kids are asked this question a lot (with the answer now appearing to be a unanimous “Hannah Montana”).
For adults, or those posing as adults like myself, the question’s still there, but it’s changed ever slightly to, “What did you want to be before you grew up?”
Who’s asking? Well, mainly advertisers and, of course, Hollywood, but that’s nothing new. Our dreams have been packaged and resold to us for years.
Which brings me to my latest impulse purchase… Showtime’s Californication
BY RITA MACNEIL
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