Archive for the ‘Steve Starr Report’ Category
Lookie here, it’s another edition of Canada’s second favourite report (damn you Stephen Colbert). While this week’s batch of jokes are particularly crappy, I made it up to you all by commissioning Dr. Greg Wells for a special assignment. You might recognize Wells from his work in CTV’s Super Bodies, a feature that uses computer-generated images to explain how the bodies of Olympic athletes differ from our own.
While I’ve enjoyed finding out that speed skaters’ thighs and mogulists’ quads are twice as big as average, I wanted to put that all-white, futuristic GE laboratory of his to real use and finally get to the bottom of Serena’s booty. (Just look at that thing, it’s fucking spectacular.) Unfortunately, he came back stumped. It seems not even Wells has an answer for what’s clearly one of nature’s greatest miracles.
I’m similarly stumped into why I couldn’t write any good jokes this week. Not enough weed? Too much weed? I’m not sure. How about you peruse these jokes while I run some more experiments:
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Wow, already the 4th issue of The Steve Starr Report. We all know that time flies when you’re having fun, but if The Steve Starr Report proves anything, it’s that time also really flies when you’re a jobless blogger without career prospects. Enjoy the lovely shot of Avatar’s Zoe Saldana and remember to please put on your 3-D glasses before reading the jokes below. While they’ll still suck, the glasses will help with the insufferable length.
Following the Saints 31-17 victory over the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, football analysts credited Drew Brees for imposing his will and pounding through the defence. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s what they were saying about Michael Irvin.
While figures have yet to be announced, sports books estimate that more than $100 million was placed on this year’s Super Bowl. Or about $20 million if you discount Janet Gretzky bets.
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First Mariah, then Halle, now Beyonce. While I’d love to keep up the practice of having fine black women introduce my weekly Steve Starr Report, I’m scared I’ll be on that fat girl from Precious by March. Needless to say, I’ll have to soon introduce some lovely latinas, but for now, enjoy Beyonce and my latest collection of sports stand-up jokes from the past week:
It was announced Thursday that Carrie Underwood would sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl. “Aww, I was hoping for Nick Jonas,” said a disappointed Pete Townsend.
The Philadelphia Eagles have named Howie Roseman as the team’s new general manager, although Andy Reid will continue to have final say on all on-field decisions and lunch orders.
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Another exciting edition of The Steve Starr Report means only one thing…another picture of a lovely black lady. Oh, and more lame jokes. Here we go:
In his press conference Thursday, Mike Danton said he wanted to put his troubled history behind him. Which coincidentally, is exactly where David Frost always stood.
Alonzo Mourning’s Athlete’s Relief Fund for Haiti has already received $1 million in pledges. “Good for about 500 fresh kidneys,” said the retired NBA star.
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Mariah Carey has nothing to do with this article, I just wanted to show you her Golden Globes from last night. In fact, from now on that photo will appear in 65 per cent off all new posts. Whether the headline reads, “Mike Brodeur tells Marty he’s yesterday’s news” or “Guys who shave their balls ruin it for the rest of us,” Mariah’s glorious fake breasts will be displayed prominently on the front page. You have my word on that.
The real reason I’m bringing you all here is to introduce a new weekly feature called “The Steve Starr Report.” Every Monday from now until Mike Danton collects his university degree, I’ll post hilarious sports stand-up jokes that you’ll just have to share with friends, co-workers and clergymen. After reading one side-splitting gag after another, you’ll say “I haven’t laughed that hard since Mike Bullard was on the air” or “Watching Avatar in 3D was cool, but this, this changed my life.” Here we go:
The Montreal Canadiens Hall of Fame opened up on Saturday. Among the prized items are skates worn by goaltending legend Georges Vezina nearly 100 years ago, a game-worn Howie Morenz jersey, and Jacques Demers’ old dictionary.
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I’m similarly stumped into why I couldn’t write any good jokes this week. Not enough weed? Too much weed? I’m not sure. How about you peruse these jokes while I run some more experiments: 
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